Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*