Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.