History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
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I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.