Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please