My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
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Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My blood type is b hungry.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Growing out my freckles.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..