My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
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My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Wait a minute
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you