CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
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me: *types* the bathroom one
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
This is my favorite one of these!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front