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bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )