Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.