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[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Aw man, but that’s the best part
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.