Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
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Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Great Canadian literature.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.