Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
good for her
my nickname in college