Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
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That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.