You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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This guy gets it.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I have obtained a hat
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
💻🤡
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.