Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
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[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.