Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.