Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.