Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
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Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”