WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.