COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
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Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*