How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
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Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.