Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Shortcut
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
New comic up. “Ransom”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.