Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
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Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
me refusing to leave twitter
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
That eye roll….
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
It’s the weekend y’all
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.