Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
knights of the ikea table
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Why is no one talking about this?!
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁