Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.