[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
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Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!