How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
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Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.