“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Safety first
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.