God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”