The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
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“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Oh yeah that’s it
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.