Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.