Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
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Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
😂😂
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.