It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
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Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you