Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
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ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
how high up are we talkin’?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.