Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
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MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.