Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
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All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Seems a bit forward
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.