You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
what’s more important?
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”