{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
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I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.