*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“OMGJK” -atheists
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading