Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
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[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The Book. The Movie.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*