When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
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The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife