10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid