*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
You Might Also Like
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
181.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!