Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
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me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years