Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”