Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order