NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
me after drinking all the wine:
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!