Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
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I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.