[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
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Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.