I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich